Returning to the real world.

As I mentioned in my last post this summer has been particularly hard on my brain. I don't know if my diagnoses of bipolar will change or adapt with this summer's activities, but the psychosis has increased dramatically. I have had visual and auditory hallucinations my whole life. Most of the time they were pushed aside by everyone, myself included, as an overactive imagination. To be fair to all, it was very difficult to tell apart my dealings with hallucinations and a normal child with an overactive, or overstimulated, imagination.

This summer the ability to distinguish between dreams and reality has been impossible. I spent countless weeks dreading the night, dreading the descent into that dark place where horrible things happened. The worst part, though, is when I wake up I don't know that those horrible things weren't real. I spent close to 15 hours one day believing my father-in-law died. I went to his funeral, my husband decided not to talk to me shortly after, and my friend Dan stepped up and helped me out when I needed it.

None of those things happened. When I finally talked to my husband I couldn't believe him, wouldn't believe him. It took me hours of ruminating on the idea that Dave is fine, Terry never abandoned me, and I haven't seen Dan all summer, for me to finally accept that it never happened.

Shortly after that incident the Seroquel was increased to 200 mg a day and an alpha blocker was added to my tiny cocktail. I now take 2 mg a day of Prazosin, which for some strange reason separates the dreamer from the dream. I can now, most of the time, tell the difference between dream and reality. Though, when I saw Inception two weeks ago I identified dearly with Mal. I wished that I identified a little more with Ariadne. Maybe someday.

Unfortunately, that is not the end. I still hear, see, feel, and smell things that do not exist while awake. Such fun! I'm starting to be able to identify which things exist and which don't by other cues around me and around the object, but it isn't enough. To the cocktail! I have already tried and failed with one additional anti-psychotic, I'm currently refusing to take Zyprexa because of the terrible reaction I had to it the last time it was in my cocktail (sometime between 2001 and 2004). The second medication I'm trying is trifluoperazine. I'm on a low dose that is going to be increased a week from today. My driving ability is nil currently. I flighty, I can't hold more than one thought in my head at a time. I'm on short term disability at work to protect my job from poor performance.

Tomorrow I start school. To say I have an ambitious schedule may be the understatement of the year. In the end, talking to the teachers, taking a TON of notes, writing everything down...hopefully that works. If there is damage done to my 3.83 GPA it will be unfortunate, but with a 3.83 at least I have room to fall a little. And work is scheduled to start again on 26th of September. Fingers crossed for sure that this will all improve and I can go back. I hate the way this feels.

And we try again...

I stopped blogging in June because several things happened. First, Terry left for boy scout camp for about 8 weeks (staff, not camper). Second, I was placed on an improvement plan at work, which left me a tad bit scared to share things about myself. Third, my bipolar has gotten significantly worse, and this has left me with an even more scared feeling about sharing with myself. Reasons number two and three are kind of bull for not wanting to sharing my experiences. I naturally am a very open person and I want so badly to share and be an advocate for people with mental illness. I told Terry that I'm interested in writing a sort of memoir-truth-telling-self-help kind of book, but these are so commonplace right now for mental illness that I'm a little gunshy of doing anything with that idea.

I don't know where I lost my voice. At some point I decided that I was going to let social acceptability and corporate America take away my ability to shout from the rooftops that I am mentally ill and you know what people? it is okay. sometimes life with mental illness is hard, its regularly not pretty, but that doesn't mean its urinating on the side of the liquor store scary. So, long story short, I am going to make an attempt to find that voice again. I want to share good things about life, bad things about life, annoying things...

Look for more of me soon.

One busy semester leading to another...

I finished my first year back at school, and I even made the Dean's List! I don't like talking about work, but I'm going to allow a blurb this post. Work had been awful. Beyond awful. I've been focusing on my home life, my school life, and other non-work related things, in the meantime I allowed such a toxic environment to happen. I can't even begin to describe how terrible it felt to go to work and see my boss. I applied for FMLA, and a position in the lab to try and squash some of those terrible feelings, but they really haven't gone away yet. I'm going to make a significant effort over the summer to improve them, and hopefully I find something in the lab. A few months ago I was given an amazing opportunity to help third shift. I love everything about it. I learn so much, the people are fabulous, and the third shift supervisor is really funny and nice. It has made work fun again. I still have significant anxiety and personal issues dealing with my boss, but my summer goal is to learn how to adjust my style as an employee to better match my supervisors style and needs at work. She's out on maternity leave the whole summer, so I'm really going to make that effort for when she returns.

During my (too short) summer break this year I'm taking two classes, a speech class and an online calculus class to help me graduate a bit sooner. I'm planning on moving in August so I get to apartment hunt (on my own!). Terry will be out of town from June 12 through August 5 rejuvenating by working at a boy scout camp so he gets to put up with whatever I pick for our next home. I get to work on my cooking skills, and focus on me. It feels like a gift to me that I get to take that time out to learn what I'm like when I live alone. I've been motivated by the Madison Marathon runners to run in the Crazy Legs race next April. Crazy Legs is definitely not a marathon, its only an 8k so I feel like that's a good goal to successfully accomplish.

I'm excited for summer and looking forward to the break. Next semester is going to be another doozy, 6 classes!

This is probably going to be a short post, I'll have to run back to school shortly, but I wanted to touch on something that has always confused me. Honestly, if anyone is reading this that knows more about the topic please let me know your thoughts.

I watched a National Geographic documentary last night about Jerusalem, I actually thought it was going to be about historical Jerusalem, but it turned out to be about modern day struggles between the Muslim culture, Jewish culture, and Christian culture in Jerusalem. Watching all of the separation put between the groups, and the different groups efforts to exclude each other from places that are important for all three religions beliefs. It made me so upset to watch, There was a man in the documentary that said before 1948 when all of the Jewish people were thrown out of the city the Jewish minority and Arabic majority lived in peace (mostly). They were neighbors and helped each other. After the mass genocide of World War II the Jewish population started traveling back to Jerusalem to return to their religious roots, most having the belief that they couldn't be persecuted there. That the genocide couldn't touch them there. And instead, ever since, there has been a massive struggle between religious nations.

I read an article a while back that said if you aren't Jewish by birth or "Jewish enough", meaning your lineage isn't pure, there are parts of the government in Israel and Palestine that won't consider you part of the religion. You aren't able to travel to certain places, you aren't allowed to worship in certain ways...I don't talk about my religious beliefs a lot, but I was raised Lutheran and have since changed my opinions many many times over. Never officially changing my fundamental beliefs, they have simply been rearranged and re-evaluated over and over again. Maybe its the fluid nature of my beliefs that make me wonder how people can justify turning religion into such an exclusive club. How can you teach love and compassion and at the same time build walls and express such hate? That duality is just too much for me to understand...

2011 Goals and aspirations

My inspiration for this post

My friend Becca and her husband have made this list of 101 attainable goals in 1001 days. I love this idea and I wanted to make my own version. Because my life is currently being turned upside down every few months with new school schedules/work schedules I decided to keep the ratio the same, but use 365 days instead of 1001.This left me with about 36 goals. I then split them further, 12 for me, 12 for terry and 12 for "together" goals. I'm writing it on the internets to keep me more accountable this year. I have about 293493287 more things I would like to accomplish so depending on how far I get mid-year I may add more for myself, otherwise I'll hang onto those other goals for 2012.

On to the list!

STEPH

1. blog two times weekly
2. complete a "Year in Madison" photobook
3. keep a mood calendar daily
4. work out three times weekly
5. change jobs (obtain lab position at my current company)
6. read 24 (non-school) books - 12 "fun" fiction books/12 non-fiction books
7. complete all homework on time
8. watch Craig Ferguson one time a week
9. attend one symphony
10. attend three plays
11. write five movie reviews
12. make one "foodie" dinner a month just because it looks/sounds delicious & uses at least one ridiculously indulgent ingredient.

"TOGETHER" GOALS

1. camp more often
2. make dinner six times a week
3. have one date a month
4. move somewhere with more space
5. make/follow a cleaning schedule
6. set spending limits & budget
7. pay off credit cards (again)
8. volunteer three times
9. don't get married again
10. pay all bills on time
11. become more social
12. find a new "together" hobby

TERRY (a work in progress)

1. buy a firearm
2. clean animal tanks every other week
3. get a new job
4. pay off a student loan
5. fish more!
6. 
   
7. 
   
8. 
   
9. 
   
10. 
    
11. 
    
12. 
    

I am looking forward to seeing how this goes. Honestly, I think the item that will be the hardest for me is picking 12 fiction books to read. I mostly read biographies/autobiographies & nonfiction books about religion, sex/sexuality and science. I deliberately didn't include anything about losing a certain amount of weight or trying to eat healthier because I feel like any goal I set about that will disappoint me. If I eat more food I make it will automatically be healthier simply because I can control what goes into my food. Also, I feel that by working out at least three times a week I should either lose weight or inches without making a specific goal. Frankly, I know I'm considered obese by the medical industry but I don't care. I'm mostly comfortable with the size I'm at right now, and my chest is enormous. My most recent best guesstimate is each breast weighs somewhere between 15 and 20 lbs. That's a lot of chest and I don't want to make an unrealistic weight goal by not compensating for that weight.


Anyway, I love planning and making goals and I'm super excited as this year begins. There is so much that is unknown. It's like this big huge blank space on my future and I get to write in whatever I want. I'm going to close with the writing that I identify with most at the beginning of this year.

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the under growth;

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I wish the best for each and everyone of you in 2011. New beginnings are always important!

Updates of sorts...

It's for sure been a while. I've had things I wanted to write about (the MPAA for one, nothing makes me more angry than the ratings system in the US) but things just keep getting in the way. Instead I've decided to do what I do best and talk about myself. ;)

First things first, my crazy schedule...
School has been plugging along and I've been getting lost in trigonometry and French. My French class has finally come to an end. I gave my final speech yesterday on the regulations of food testing in Europe vs. food testing in America. Since no one really cares I focused mainly on the difference between the labels and the governing groups for the food testing. Really as long as I pass thats all I care about. An A or B would be AWESOME though. I really want to get into grad school and an A or B would make that a lot easier. Tomorrow I take my final math "quiz" during class. The teacher is allowing me to use my ipod to block out the distracting noises. No one sits in front of me so there should be no problems with seeing people. Either way I'm passing the class so that works for me. I'll just have to finish my homework tonight and make sure I know my rules. Work is going as work has always gone. I've decided not to worry too much about it, but I am for sure planning on working some hardcore overtime during the 4 weeks I'm off of school. There's always something to do so I just have to convince the bosses that doing the more menial tasks are worth paying me time and a half. Shouldn't be too hard. They for sure know that all of that stuff needs to be done.

Health updates!
 I have made several changes in my health plan in the last few months. In the beginning of the semester I was on a few meds for my bipolar/stomach issues/back pain. In the last month and a half I decided that I didn't want my health to be tied so closely with modern medicine. Some people find that strange that I am fascinated by modern medicine, chemistry and really just science in general but don't want to participate in it. Frankly, my main interest is in things like GMO foods and alternative medicine/nutrition. I don't believe in creating things for the sake of creating them. In the last 20 years or so there are so many new diseases just because pharmaceutical companies have created solutions for them. I believe in creating food that can withstand bug infestations, and extreme weather patterns with its natural genes that haven't been utilized properly. I believe in using exercise, massage, acupucnture, and a truly healthy diet to create a healthy body and a healthy environment. Why do we need all these opiates for low to mid grade pain? Why do we create addicts where we don't need to? It's not necessary. I went to the gym this morning and met with a trainer. He helped me find a bunch of exercises that work out my entire body (including my back that is bothering me) without straining my back to the point where I'm in pain. Today, after that workout, my back feels better than it has in over a month. Obviously I still have  to be careful, but I feel like specific exercises like that and maybe some sort of massage therapy would be way more helpful for me than any sort of opiate I could be given. Currently I am not taking any sort of supplement or drug for anything and I am hoping to keep it that way. I may change my mind and start taking a multivitamin again, or maybe a vitamin supplement depending on what is recommended by the dietitian I am seeing on Tuesday but I am really hoping to change my diet to the point where I won't need anything like that either.

We'll see what happens, but for now I am looking forward to the end of the semester and a continuation of me finding more natural and holistic answers to my health issues.

Always spend a little time on yourself...

Here's the deal, I love my husband. A lot. And that doesn't even come close to touching the depth of feeling that resides within me. He's funny, smart, caring, motivated and just in general a great guy. (You can stop gagging now, I am about to tell you some faults.)

The other night I was in a FOUL mood. Like, beyond foul. Of course, it was one of the only nights that my normally "sensitive and in tune with my needs" husband felt like I was having some sort of a bipolar episode and needed to be around people. If the people in question were at my apartment I may have been more receptive to the idea, however, it wasn't at my apartment and I was really in the mood to be a complete bitch. In order to not ruin everyone else's night, which turned out to ruin at least Terry's night, I opted to stay home and keep my wretchedness to myself.

When I went and picked him up from hanging out with his friends the ride home was extremely tense and when we got home the tension just rose. The actual conversation ended up being pretty ugly at the beginning, but as usual it was not an argument but a conversation. In addition, as usual, there were some very helpful points that were brought up:

1) Terry spent a long time telling me that I hide behind my bipolar and that we need to figure out when I am bipolar and when I'm not. This was huge because it tells me that I am doing a few things wrong. Like communicating my needs, releasing my emotions properly, among a few other things. It was an important discovery, even though every time he opened his mouth I was deeply offended (mostly due to my foul mood).

2) He asked "do you ever just sit and do nothing?" The answer to that, of course, is no. I am always doing something. I am actually the definition of Benjamin Hoff's Busy Backson version of rabbit. Meditating is one of the most painful activities for me to do. Which means that I should be focusing on that more than anything else.

As the next few days went by I realized that I do actually sometimes sit and do nothing. There are very specific activities where I allow myself the time to just relax. Anything involving pampering of any kind is a huge release for me. It must be the girl in me that one of my favorite things to do is get my hair done, my nails done, my eyebrows waxed...When I do those things I release everything and immerse myself in the feeling of being renewed and rejuvenated. When I'm shopping for clothes, new makeup,  nail polish, books, cd's, movies...I let go then too. The problem is all of those activities can cost a lot of money. Money I don't really have right now because I am in school.

I thought about it some more and I realized the one thing I do that is a stress release that doesn't actually cost money is clean. Well, clean and organize. If my space around me is organized and everything has a place my brain acts the same way. Every thought has a location and those unnecessary destructive thoughts no longer have a place to hide. When that happens I am a much calmer person and others emotions are much less likely to affect my personal emotions. It doesn't get rid of the foul moods and bad days, but it does control them a bit. I can allow myself to indulge in that bad mood without actually panicking because I can do something to be done with it.

So, as of yesterday my entire filing cabinet is cleaned out, the computer area is clean, the table where I keep my backpack is almost clean, the living room has been picked up, and this morning I vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen from last nights dinner. My physical world is getting more ordered and as a result my brain is following suit.

Now I just have to regularly get back into my exercises to relieve some of my back pain and relax my brain even further...