I got to spend last weekend with my family, best weekend in a long time. Worst in a lot of ways too, but that isn't their fault, that's all my brain. There was a lot of people. A lot of people. Some that I was actually a little scared to see and one in particular I was really scared to see, but it turned out ok. I have the best mom ever. Ever. She's so supportive and she knows exactly what to say when I'm really struggling with interacting with people. Plus shes really funny when she drinks. (One drop! That's all it takes! Thank your Grandpa Marv for that knowledge! - Of course, the real funny thing is she does that anyway.) My brother is amazing too. He does the best impressions. (Ule, anyone? You know he's the life of the party!) It's incredible to see what amazing women my little baby cousins are growing into, they're beautiful and really considerate of each other when they think no one's watching. I always felt like I could never share my illness with people, like it was shameful. Society taught me that, my ex taught me that, and my most recent job tried to teach me that. But I got to talk about it this weekend. My mom talks about it. I don't know how much she shares, but that makes me more comfortable being who I am in front of the people I need most. Even though sometimes I feel like an outsider, it's easier to remember that's my brain trying to alienate me from the people I need the most when my family is willing to listen.
Graduation was last weekend, I spent it where I needed to be more than anywhere else in the world. At my cousin's high school graduation. There was a little pang of guilt when I realized I wouldn't have the graduation pictures, but that passes. My diploma will be mailed to me by the middle of summer and I have a cap and gown, I can take pictures then. Photoshop people in around me. ;) I got some pretty sweet presents. My aunts & uncles and grandma gave me money so I get the earrings I've been eyeing. My parents bought me a Kindle. Coolest present ever. I never thought I would like one, but its super awesome.
Now, as I return to reality there is paperwork to fill out about a job that gets more and more distant and heartless by the day. I talked to my boss twice today. It's weird, but the more I read dystopian young adult novels the easier it is for me to pick out the acid behind the smile. Not just with work, but everywhere. Some of that is training from my former coworkers, trying to learn when enough was enough. Not because they were ever cruel intentionally, and some of them never were anything but kind and understanding, even when I pushed the boundaries of acceptable like I accidentally do. But everyone has limits, and I spent a lot of time at my old job trying to figure out how to know what those were. It's not easy, and I would still rather just be me all the time with no filter at all, but I know now that there are people who are intentionally cruel. I can't just be me with no filter at all because those people capitalize on any weakness and exploit it at the first opportunity. I'm really susceptible to manipulation by media, and lately I've been grateful for that. The Hunger Games and Divergent have made me more cynical of humanity, which has allowed me an easier time of picking the snakes out of the crowd.
I'm still having panic attacks so bad that I feel like I'm dying of a heart attack, but it is what it is. I had seven beers last weekend. Three at my friends house, one the night I had so much fun with my mom, and three when we stayed at Terry's cousins. That's a lot for me to handle. Plus I've given in to the sugar and caffeine again. That has to stop. That's more dangerous than alcohol. Time to detox and prepare for the next big event, my best friend's wedding. It's really important to me that I'm there for her no matter what she needs, which means I must be coherent and that will only happen after a good old fashioned detox.
An everyday life with everyday troubles.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Starting over!
I've been reading a LOT about bipolar lately, though it's really been following severe mental illness in general (schizophrenia, paranoia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder...). I've joined the group Thrive with Bipolar Disorder on Facebook (Side note: it would be super nice if I could keep those comments from going to my friends newsfeeds. Not that I wouldn't share that much of myself anyway, but I feel like it can be off-putting for friends that aren't on that level of "there" yet with the illness...), I read blogs, and follow what books are coming out. I follow all kinds of information about mental illness; marriage, children, pregnancy, individual responsibility, legal proceedings, scientific breakthroughs...everything I can get my hands on. I've been keeping track of it in a strange way, as always, a combination of my memory, bookmarks on my computer, sharing with family and friends... Anyway, I feel that method isn't working anymore and now that I am 6 days away from my commencement ceremony and have no undergraduate work left my goal is to post all of that stuff on here to keep better track of it. Starting today! :)
I just read this article about the difficulty knowing the difference between pre-hypomania and exuberance. As always when I read anything I immediately apply it to my experience, and my life. This actually has been a life saver in my last few weeks of the semester since I've found Thrive on Facebook. I've been able to focus on things I do in relation to others questions. But I digress, returning to the article at hand I realized how lucky I am to have the family and friends that support me unconditionally and are able to be objective about my moods. I think the best part is they are objective in different ways, which lets me figure out who I am and how I feel about my moods.
In the last 4 years I have met and married the best husband on the face of the planet. Totally a biased opinion, but it's mine and this is my blog so that's what I'm sharing. Terry and I have worked together to create a "mood map" of sorts for my bipolar to help figure out when things need attention and when they don't. It's not perfect, and it will forever be a work in progress, but its allowed us lots of freedom in our relationship that I didn't experience when I was with the ex. That's been a really positive experience. Last weekend was really rough, Terry was at camp helping with cub scouts, and I was supposed to be studying. Instead, since there is so much happening in my life right now my brain went into overdrive and I didn't sleep at all. However, because of our "mood map" I knew that I was going to be ok. I could text & check in, there was no freaking out. I could vocalize that I'm stressed, scared, and too much is changing at once. He knew that before he left town so there was no worry about the huge impact my mood had on my Facebook updating. We came up with a plan together for how to handle it, I did some little things that mean a lot to me (haircut with shampoo, eyebrow wax, shopping), I spent time with my best friend who understands me better than I understand myself. We focused on conversation and each other and her beautiful baby.
In my experience pre-hypomania and exuberance can be the same thing. The end result depends immensely on how I treat the feelings when they happen. Because of the "mood map" and my exposure to people who love me and have been around for a long time, who have seen me develop through the bipolar, who have stood by me when I needed help the most, I can actually turn pre-hypomania into exuberance and prevent the whole thing in the first place. Currently I still have anxiety/panic bordering on heart attack all the time lately, I'm still losing feeling in my extremities and having trouble with circulation, but its stress. There's a lot of changes happening. My long term claim is under review again, I'm finishing a whole chapter of my academic career and preparing for something completely new and scary. Not only new and scary, but new and scary and with all new people. That's enough to make me have a panic attack all by itself. I just keep reminding myself how amazing everyone I encountered in my last bit of undergrad has been with my illness. It's been infinitely better than the way corporate America treated me. That makes the panic disappear a little. I'm still packing. I'll be living out of as many suitcases as I can fit in Terry's Ion come June 1st.
Terrifying...
I just read this article about the difficulty knowing the difference between pre-hypomania and exuberance. As always when I read anything I immediately apply it to my experience, and my life. This actually has been a life saver in my last few weeks of the semester since I've found Thrive on Facebook. I've been able to focus on things I do in relation to others questions. But I digress, returning to the article at hand I realized how lucky I am to have the family and friends that support me unconditionally and are able to be objective about my moods. I think the best part is they are objective in different ways, which lets me figure out who I am and how I feel about my moods.
In the last 4 years I have met and married the best husband on the face of the planet. Totally a biased opinion, but it's mine and this is my blog so that's what I'm sharing. Terry and I have worked together to create a "mood map" of sorts for my bipolar to help figure out when things need attention and when they don't. It's not perfect, and it will forever be a work in progress, but its allowed us lots of freedom in our relationship that I didn't experience when I was with the ex. That's been a really positive experience. Last weekend was really rough, Terry was at camp helping with cub scouts, and I was supposed to be studying. Instead, since there is so much happening in my life right now my brain went into overdrive and I didn't sleep at all. However, because of our "mood map" I knew that I was going to be ok. I could text & check in, there was no freaking out. I could vocalize that I'm stressed, scared, and too much is changing at once. He knew that before he left town so there was no worry about the huge impact my mood had on my Facebook updating. We came up with a plan together for how to handle it, I did some little things that mean a lot to me (haircut with shampoo, eyebrow wax, shopping), I spent time with my best friend who understands me better than I understand myself. We focused on conversation and each other and her beautiful baby.
In my experience pre-hypomania and exuberance can be the same thing. The end result depends immensely on how I treat the feelings when they happen. Because of the "mood map" and my exposure to people who love me and have been around for a long time, who have seen me develop through the bipolar, who have stood by me when I needed help the most, I can actually turn pre-hypomania into exuberance and prevent the whole thing in the first place. Currently I still have anxiety/panic bordering on heart attack all the time lately, I'm still losing feeling in my extremities and having trouble with circulation, but its stress. There's a lot of changes happening. My long term claim is under review again, I'm finishing a whole chapter of my academic career and preparing for something completely new and scary. Not only new and scary, but new and scary and with all new people. That's enough to make me have a panic attack all by itself. I just keep reminding myself how amazing everyone I encountered in my last bit of undergrad has been with my illness. It's been infinitely better than the way corporate America treated me. That makes the panic disappear a little. I'm still packing. I'll be living out of as many suitcases as I can fit in Terry's Ion come June 1st.
Terrifying...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Medications and every day life
Every thing I read online keeps saying, "stick with it, when you find the right medicine combination you'll feel amazing!". I have been through the ringer with medicine for the last 10 years. They keep screwing with it now, I swear if I ever find the right combination I'm going to be 150 years old. It feels hopeless.
Right now I am supposed to split up my Seroquel and take some during the day. This is not possible at all. I've had the trifluoroperizine dose increased and I am still seeing a guy outside my window with a knife. The prazosin was increased to help deter the dreams even more, and I'm waking up wondering how I got back home because I was obviously at school picking up books on genetics. Obviously Julia just told me Henry is going to school in Rockford with their little baby, why isn't she going along?
I'm tired all the time because sleep brings no relief from my daily trials and tribulations. On top of that the medicine does nothing but make me pass out.
I'd say the worst, though, is the paranoia. It's never stopped. My therapist said I need to decide what behavior I want to modify and that is enemy number one. I'm convinced someone else would be better for Terry, that he really should have nothing to do with me. That my friends should want nothing to do with me. I want to slide into a life of nothingness, no people, no animals, no me, to protect myself and everything around me. Slowly my thoughts are turning back to everyone being better off without me. Slowly the idea that I need to find an escape is creeping back into my life. Enemy number one is these thoughts. They need to be purged and when I'm so tired from the medicine I don't know that I can make them go away. Though, that tired nature means I probably won't have the energy to act on those thoughts, it really only takes one burst of energy and one well thought out plan and it will be done. Unfortunately, it would likely be without warning. I can only hope that burst of energy leads to a phone call instead of action taken. There is really not a guarantee that will be the case. So, enemy number one must be fought like hell.
And maybe someday the therapy and the medicine will do their job. In the meantime I am continuing to stumble through life, school, and trying to get my head on straight. Hoping like hell that my short term disability will see this as enough to pay for my time in treatment.
Right now I am supposed to split up my Seroquel and take some during the day. This is not possible at all. I've had the trifluoroperizine dose increased and I am still seeing a guy outside my window with a knife. The prazosin was increased to help deter the dreams even more, and I'm waking up wondering how I got back home because I was obviously at school picking up books on genetics. Obviously Julia just told me Henry is going to school in Rockford with their little baby, why isn't she going along?
I'm tired all the time because sleep brings no relief from my daily trials and tribulations. On top of that the medicine does nothing but make me pass out.
I'd say the worst, though, is the paranoia. It's never stopped. My therapist said I need to decide what behavior I want to modify and that is enemy number one. I'm convinced someone else would be better for Terry, that he really should have nothing to do with me. That my friends should want nothing to do with me. I want to slide into a life of nothingness, no people, no animals, no me, to protect myself and everything around me. Slowly my thoughts are turning back to everyone being better off without me. Slowly the idea that I need to find an escape is creeping back into my life. Enemy number one is these thoughts. They need to be purged and when I'm so tired from the medicine I don't know that I can make them go away. Though, that tired nature means I probably won't have the energy to act on those thoughts, it really only takes one burst of energy and one well thought out plan and it will be done. Unfortunately, it would likely be without warning. I can only hope that burst of energy leads to a phone call instead of action taken. There is really not a guarantee that will be the case. So, enemy number one must be fought like hell.
And maybe someday the therapy and the medicine will do their job. In the meantime I am continuing to stumble through life, school, and trying to get my head on straight. Hoping like hell that my short term disability will see this as enough to pay for my time in treatment.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Returning to the real world.
As I mentioned in my last post this summer has been particularly hard on my brain. I don't know if my diagnoses of bipolar will change or adapt with this summer's activities, but the psychosis has increased dramatically. I have had visual and auditory hallucinations my whole life. Most of the time they were pushed aside by everyone, myself included, as an overactive imagination. To be fair to all, it was very difficult to tell apart my dealings with hallucinations and a normal child with an overactive, or overstimulated, imagination.
This summer the ability to distinguish between dreams and reality has been impossible. I spent countless weeks dreading the night, dreading the descent into that dark place where horrible things happened. The worst part, though, is when I wake up I don't know that those horrible things weren't real. I spent close to 15 hours one day believing my father-in-law died. I went to his funeral, my husband decided not to talk to me shortly after, and my friend Dan stepped up and helped me out when I needed it.
None of those things happened. When I finally talked to my husband I couldn't believe him, wouldn't believe him. It took me hours of ruminating on the idea that Dave is fine, Terry never abandoned me, and I haven't seen Dan all summer, for me to finally accept that it never happened.
Shortly after that incident the Seroquel was increased to 200 mg a day and an alpha blocker was added to my tiny cocktail. I now take 2 mg a day of Prazosin, which for some strange reason separates the dreamer from the dream. I can now, most of the time, tell the difference between dream and reality. Though, when I saw Inception two weeks ago I identified dearly with Mal. I wished that I identified a little more with Ariadne. Maybe someday.
Unfortunately, that is not the end. I still hear, see, feel, and smell things that do not exist while awake. Such fun! I'm starting to be able to identify which things exist and which don't by other cues around me and around the object, but it isn't enough. To the cocktail! I have already tried and failed with one additional anti-psychotic, I'm currently refusing to take Zyprexa because of the terrible reaction I had to it the last time it was in my cocktail (sometime between 2001 and 2004). The second medication I'm trying is trifluoperazine. I'm on a low dose that is going to be increased a week from today. My driving ability is nil currently. I flighty, I can't hold more than one thought in my head at a time. I'm on short term disability at work to protect my job from poor performance.
Tomorrow I start school. To say I have an ambitious schedule may be the understatement of the year. In the end, talking to the teachers, taking a TON of notes, writing everything down...hopefully that works. If there is damage done to my 3.83 GPA it will be unfortunate, but with a 3.83 at least I have room to fall a little. And work is scheduled to start again on 26th of September. Fingers crossed for sure that this will all improve and I can go back. I hate the way this feels.
This summer the ability to distinguish between dreams and reality has been impossible. I spent countless weeks dreading the night, dreading the descent into that dark place where horrible things happened. The worst part, though, is when I wake up I don't know that those horrible things weren't real. I spent close to 15 hours one day believing my father-in-law died. I went to his funeral, my husband decided not to talk to me shortly after, and my friend Dan stepped up and helped me out when I needed it.
None of those things happened. When I finally talked to my husband I couldn't believe him, wouldn't believe him. It took me hours of ruminating on the idea that Dave is fine, Terry never abandoned me, and I haven't seen Dan all summer, for me to finally accept that it never happened.
Shortly after that incident the Seroquel was increased to 200 mg a day and an alpha blocker was added to my tiny cocktail. I now take 2 mg a day of Prazosin, which for some strange reason separates the dreamer from the dream. I can now, most of the time, tell the difference between dream and reality. Though, when I saw Inception two weeks ago I identified dearly with Mal. I wished that I identified a little more with Ariadne. Maybe someday.
Unfortunately, that is not the end. I still hear, see, feel, and smell things that do not exist while awake. Such fun! I'm starting to be able to identify which things exist and which don't by other cues around me and around the object, but it isn't enough. To the cocktail! I have already tried and failed with one additional anti-psychotic, I'm currently refusing to take Zyprexa because of the terrible reaction I had to it the last time it was in my cocktail (sometime between 2001 and 2004). The second medication I'm trying is trifluoperazine. I'm on a low dose that is going to be increased a week from today. My driving ability is nil currently. I flighty, I can't hold more than one thought in my head at a time. I'm on short term disability at work to protect my job from poor performance.
Tomorrow I start school. To say I have an ambitious schedule may be the understatement of the year. In the end, talking to the teachers, taking a TON of notes, writing everything down...hopefully that works. If there is damage done to my 3.83 GPA it will be unfortunate, but with a 3.83 at least I have room to fall a little. And work is scheduled to start again on 26th of September. Fingers crossed for sure that this will all improve and I can go back. I hate the way this feels.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Updates of sorts...
It's for sure been a while. I've had things I wanted to write about (the MPAA for one, nothing makes me more angry than the ratings system in the US) but things just keep getting in the way. Instead I've decided to do what I do best and talk about myself. ;)
First things first, my crazy schedule...
School has been plugging along and I've been getting lost in trigonometry and French. My French class has finally come to an end. I gave my final speech yesterday on the regulations of food testing in Europe vs. food testing in America. Since no one really cares I focused mainly on the difference between the labels and the governing groups for the food testing. Really as long as I pass thats all I care about. An A or B would be AWESOME though. I really want to get into grad school and an A or B would make that a lot easier. Tomorrow I take my final math "quiz" during class. The teacher is allowing me to use my ipod to block out the distracting noises. No one sits in front of me so there should be no problems with seeing people. Either way I'm passing the class so that works for me. I'll just have to finish my homework tonight and make sure I know my rules. Work is going as work has always gone. I've decided not to worry too much about it, but I am for sure planning on working some hardcore overtime during the 4 weeks I'm off of school. There's always something to do so I just have to convince the bosses that doing the more menial tasks are worth paying me time and a half. Shouldn't be too hard. They for sure know that all of that stuff needs to be done.
Health updates!
I have made several changes in my health plan in the last few months. In the beginning of the semester I was on a few meds for my bipolar/stomach issues/back pain. In the last month and a half I decided that I didn't want my health to be tied so closely with modern medicine. Some people find that strange that I am fascinated by modern medicine, chemistry and really just science in general but don't want to participate in it. Frankly, my main interest is in things like GMO foods and alternative medicine/nutrition. I don't believe in creating things for the sake of creating them. In the last 20 years or so there are so many new diseases just because pharmaceutical companies have created solutions for them. I believe in creating food that can withstand bug infestations, and extreme weather patterns with its natural genes that haven't been utilized properly. I believe in using exercise, massage, acupucnture, and a truly healthy diet to create a healthy body and a healthy environment. Why do we need all these opiates for low to mid grade pain? Why do we create addicts where we don't need to? It's not necessary. I went to the gym this morning and met with a trainer. He helped me find a bunch of exercises that work out my entire body (including my back that is bothering me) without straining my back to the point where I'm in pain. Today, after that workout, my back feels better than it has in over a month. Obviously I still have to be careful, but I feel like specific exercises like that and maybe some sort of massage therapy would be way more helpful for me than any sort of opiate I could be given. Currently I am not taking any sort of supplement or drug for anything and I am hoping to keep it that way. I may change my mind and start taking a multivitamin again, or maybe a vitamin supplement depending on what is recommended by the dietitian I am seeing on Tuesday but I am really hoping to change my diet to the point where I won't need anything like that either.
We'll see what happens, but for now I am looking forward to the end of the semester and a continuation of me finding more natural and holistic answers to my health issues.
First things first, my crazy schedule...
School has been plugging along and I've been getting lost in trigonometry and French. My French class has finally come to an end. I gave my final speech yesterday on the regulations of food testing in Europe vs. food testing in America. Since no one really cares I focused mainly on the difference between the labels and the governing groups for the food testing. Really as long as I pass thats all I care about. An A or B would be AWESOME though. I really want to get into grad school and an A or B would make that a lot easier. Tomorrow I take my final math "quiz" during class. The teacher is allowing me to use my ipod to block out the distracting noises. No one sits in front of me so there should be no problems with seeing people. Either way I'm passing the class so that works for me. I'll just have to finish my homework tonight and make sure I know my rules. Work is going as work has always gone. I've decided not to worry too much about it, but I am for sure planning on working some hardcore overtime during the 4 weeks I'm off of school. There's always something to do so I just have to convince the bosses that doing the more menial tasks are worth paying me time and a half. Shouldn't be too hard. They for sure know that all of that stuff needs to be done.
Health updates!
I have made several changes in my health plan in the last few months. In the beginning of the semester I was on a few meds for my bipolar/stomach issues/back pain. In the last month and a half I decided that I didn't want my health to be tied so closely with modern medicine. Some people find that strange that I am fascinated by modern medicine, chemistry and really just science in general but don't want to participate in it. Frankly, my main interest is in things like GMO foods and alternative medicine/nutrition. I don't believe in creating things for the sake of creating them. In the last 20 years or so there are so many new diseases just because pharmaceutical companies have created solutions for them. I believe in creating food that can withstand bug infestations, and extreme weather patterns with its natural genes that haven't been utilized properly. I believe in using exercise, massage, acupucnture, and a truly healthy diet to create a healthy body and a healthy environment. Why do we need all these opiates for low to mid grade pain? Why do we create addicts where we don't need to? It's not necessary. I went to the gym this morning and met with a trainer. He helped me find a bunch of exercises that work out my entire body (including my back that is bothering me) without straining my back to the point where I'm in pain. Today, after that workout, my back feels better than it has in over a month. Obviously I still have to be careful, but I feel like specific exercises like that and maybe some sort of massage therapy would be way more helpful for me than any sort of opiate I could be given. Currently I am not taking any sort of supplement or drug for anything and I am hoping to keep it that way. I may change my mind and start taking a multivitamin again, or maybe a vitamin supplement depending on what is recommended by the dietitian I am seeing on Tuesday but I am really hoping to change my diet to the point where I won't need anything like that either.
We'll see what happens, but for now I am looking forward to the end of the semester and a continuation of me finding more natural and holistic answers to my health issues.
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