Finding Balance in an Unbalanced World?

The move is done. My over reactions from my last post have been calmed for a number of weeks. My sister-in-law & brother-in-law have come and gone, along with the bbq/shower.Terry found a job, which is awesome. He's learning web design with a company where a family friend works. She got his resume last Wednesday and started work today. That's a huge weight off our shoulders now, we have income!  Bills will start getting paid again when he starts getting paid. I had my meeting with the EEOC this morning, which was completely nerve-wracking. I'd worked myself into such a state that I could barely answer the ladies questions. Then GreekTown called about the incident where I was one of 7 people stuck in an elevator at their casino for 40 minutes, people including my claustrophobic mother-in-law, and my pregnant, scared of heights sister-in-law. Not to mention my terror of falling to my death. Yeah, my fear is strangely specific. No big deal. In the meantime I've continued reading mental health stuff.

I've actually been reading mostly about emotions. As always my goal is to be off of medicine. Is it possible? I'm not sure at this point, but I've been researching what kinds of emotions are in the "normal" spectrum and what kinds of emotions need to be dealt with as abnormal. This article from psychcentral.com doesn't really have any new information, but it's a great reminder of all the things I forget as I get busy and want to "do it all". This special forced summer break I'm going to spend a lot of time deciding what my "non-negotiable" to do items are. Also, figuring out the routines and the patterns I need to maintain a level of emotional stability. My thought is when I get those things figured out I'll have a much better handle on when things are getting out of control. Hopefully I'll recognize sooner when my patterns are swinging too far away from home base and need less medication and doctors appointments. When I was a kid my mom's patterns were so regimented that I didn't have serious issues, even without medication, until college when all those patterns needed to be held by myself. If I get those patterns back, with all of my new knowledge of bipolar, and my developing knowledge of my needs to be successful, I may be able to live safely, without episodes, minus chemicals & doctors. Time will tell. It's week 1 of new patterns so its way too early to know. Years too early. But it's a nice thought!

Starting over!

I've been reading a LOT about bipolar lately, though it's really been following severe mental illness in general (schizophrenia, paranoia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder...). I've joined the group Thrive with Bipolar Disorder on Facebook (Side note: it would be super nice if I could keep those comments from going to my friends newsfeeds. Not that I wouldn't share that much of myself anyway, but I feel like it can be off-putting for friends that aren't on that level of "there" yet with the illness...), I read blogs, and follow what books are coming out. I follow all kinds of information about mental illness; marriage, children, pregnancy, individual responsibility, legal proceedings, scientific breakthroughs...everything I can get my hands on. I've been keeping track of it in a strange way, as always, a combination of my memory, bookmarks on my computer, sharing with family and friends... Anyway, I feel that method isn't working anymore and now that I am 6 days away from my commencement ceremony and have no undergraduate work left my goal is to post all of that stuff on here to keep better track of it. Starting today! :)

I just read this article about the difficulty knowing the difference between pre-hypomania and exuberance. As always when I read anything I immediately apply it to my experience, and my life. This actually has been a life saver in my last few weeks of the semester since I've found Thrive on Facebook. I've been able to focus on things I do in relation to others questions. But I digress, returning to the article at hand I realized how lucky I am to have the family and friends that support me unconditionally and are able to be objective about my moods. I think the best part is they are objective in different ways, which lets me figure out who I am and how I feel about my moods.

In the last 4 years I have met and married the best husband on the face of the planet. Totally a biased opinion, but it's mine and this is my blog so that's what I'm sharing. Terry and I have worked together to create a "mood map" of sorts for my bipolar to help figure out when things need attention and when they don't. It's not perfect, and it will forever be a work in progress, but its allowed us lots of freedom in our relationship that I didn't experience when I was with the ex. That's been a really positive experience. Last weekend was really rough, Terry was at camp helping with cub scouts, and I was supposed to be studying. Instead, since there is so much happening in my life right now my brain went into overdrive and I didn't sleep at all. However, because of our "mood map" I knew that I was going to be ok. I could text & check in, there was no freaking out. I could vocalize that I'm stressed, scared, and too much is changing at once. He knew that before he left town so there was no worry about the huge impact my mood had on my Facebook updating. We came up with a plan together for how to handle it, I did some little things that mean a lot to me (haircut with shampoo, eyebrow wax, shopping), I spent time with my best friend who understands me better than I understand myself. We focused on conversation and each other and her beautiful baby.

In my experience pre-hypomania and exuberance can be the same thing. The end result depends immensely on how I treat the feelings when they happen. Because of the "mood map" and my exposure to people who love me and have been around for a long time, who have seen me develop through the bipolar, who have stood by me when I needed help the most, I can actually turn pre-hypomania into exuberance and prevent the whole thing in the first place. Currently I still have anxiety/panic bordering on heart attack all the time lately, I'm still losing feeling in my extremities and having trouble with circulation, but its stress. There's a lot of changes happening. My long term claim is under review again, I'm finishing a whole chapter of my academic career and preparing for something completely new and scary. Not only new and scary, but new and scary and with all new people. That's enough to make me have a panic attack all by itself. I just keep reminding myself how amazing everyone I encountered in my last bit of undergrad has been with my illness. It's been infinitely better than the way corporate America treated me. That makes the panic disappear a little. I'm still packing. I'll be living out of as many suitcases as I can fit in Terry's Ion come June 1st.

Terrifying...

And we try again...

I stopped blogging in June because several things happened. First, Terry left for boy scout camp for about 8 weeks (staff, not camper). Second, I was placed on an improvement plan at work, which left me a tad bit scared to share things about myself. Third, my bipolar has gotten significantly worse, and this has left me with an even more scared feeling about sharing with myself. Reasons number two and three are kind of bull for not wanting to sharing my experiences. I naturally am a very open person and I want so badly to share and be an advocate for people with mental illness. I told Terry that I'm interested in writing a sort of memoir-truth-telling-self-help kind of book, but these are so commonplace right now for mental illness that I'm a little gunshy of doing anything with that idea.

I don't know where I lost my voice. At some point I decided that I was going to let social acceptability and corporate America take away my ability to shout from the rooftops that I am mentally ill and you know what people? it is okay. sometimes life with mental illness is hard, its regularly not pretty, but that doesn't mean its urinating on the side of the liquor store scary. So, long story short, I am going to make an attempt to find that voice again. I want to share good things about life, bad things about life, annoying things...

Look for more of me soon.

2011 Goals and aspirations

My inspiration for this post

My friend Becca and her husband have made this list of 101 attainable goals in 1001 days. I love this idea and I wanted to make my own version. Because my life is currently being turned upside down every few months with new school schedules/work schedules I decided to keep the ratio the same, but use 365 days instead of 1001.This left me with about 36 goals. I then split them further, 12 for me, 12 for terry and 12 for "together" goals. I'm writing it on the internets to keep me more accountable this year. I have about 293493287 more things I would like to accomplish so depending on how far I get mid-year I may add more for myself, otherwise I'll hang onto those other goals for 2012.

On to the list!

STEPH

1. blog two times weekly
2. complete a "Year in Madison" photobook
3. keep a mood calendar daily
4. work out three times weekly
5. change jobs (obtain lab position at my current company)
6. read 24 (non-school) books - 12 "fun" fiction books/12 non-fiction books
7. complete all homework on time
8. watch Craig Ferguson one time a week
9. attend one symphony
10. attend three plays
11. write five movie reviews
12. make one "foodie" dinner a month just because it looks/sounds delicious & uses at least one ridiculously indulgent ingredient.

"TOGETHER" GOALS

1. camp more often
2. make dinner six times a week
3. have one date a month
4. move somewhere with more space
5. make/follow a cleaning schedule
6. set spending limits & budget
7. pay off credit cards (again)
8. volunteer three times
9. don't get married again
10. pay all bills on time
11. become more social
12. find a new "together" hobby

TERRY (a work in progress)

1. buy a firearm
2. clean animal tanks every other week
3. get a new job
4. pay off a student loan
5. fish more!
6. 
   
7. 
   
8. 
   
9. 
   
10. 
    
11. 
    
12. 
    

I am looking forward to seeing how this goes. Honestly, I think the item that will be the hardest for me is picking 12 fiction books to read. I mostly read biographies/autobiographies & nonfiction books about religion, sex/sexuality and science. I deliberately didn't include anything about losing a certain amount of weight or trying to eat healthier because I feel like any goal I set about that will disappoint me. If I eat more food I make it will automatically be healthier simply because I can control what goes into my food. Also, I feel that by working out at least three times a week I should either lose weight or inches without making a specific goal. Frankly, I know I'm considered obese by the medical industry but I don't care. I'm mostly comfortable with the size I'm at right now, and my chest is enormous. My most recent best guesstimate is each breast weighs somewhere between 15 and 20 lbs. That's a lot of chest and I don't want to make an unrealistic weight goal by not compensating for that weight.


Anyway, I love planning and making goals and I'm super excited as this year begins. There is so much that is unknown. It's like this big huge blank space on my future and I get to write in whatever I want. I'm going to close with the writing that I identify with most at the beginning of this year.

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the under growth;

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I wish the best for each and everyone of you in 2011. New beginnings are always important!

Semester one of a long haul

I am a very driven personality. I have big dreams and I am insistent on accomplishing those goals at any cost, monetarily, physically, mentally, romantically, anything is at risk for being shoved to the side to accomplish what I have decided is important at any given time in my life. I graduated with an associates degree in biotechnology in May of 2008 and I had decided very early on that this was not enough for me.

Skipping forward to the present day...since my last voyage into school I have a new relationship, in fact, I am married to the most amazing person I've ever met. I've also started really delving into my mental illness and figuring out the best way to balance that illness with having a "normal" life. (I do know that "normal" is a relative term, in my little world it means holding a steady job, maintaining a healthy relationship with friends and family, and taking care of myself by healthy eating and exercise.) This process has been a long and arduous one. I take medications daily for asthma, ulcers and bipolar and I resent every pill in my doctors arsenal. I have (like many people) an aversion to both exercise and healthy eating. I enjoy the feeling after a workout but my lazy nature makes me not want to push myself the way I should. I also enjoy the taste of foods that are good for me, but my desire for "convenience" leads me to eat fast food, fried foods and processed foods way more than I should. Forget trying to eat local and organic, I'm still fighting the urge to eat Taco John's and McDonald's every meal! The only things I really seem to be able to do right is maintain my marriage at a healthy and loving level and keep a steady job.

This fall, on top of the marriage, full-time job, and full-time mental illness I have decided that an associates degree is not where I want to be. As a result I am attending a 4 year institution of higher education to acquire multiple bachelor's degrees (French, Chemistry and Biology) to continue towards my goal of a master's degree in Nutritional Chemistry and being able to be the sole breadwinner for my future family. This blog is *hopefully* going to be my journey through life trying to balance all of the life goals I have decided to juggle. It will probably contain days where I'm not doing so well and why, days that are a little better, thoughts that I feel like sharing with the world about current events and life, as well as ways I relax and work on meeting my goals. Topics I am going to stay away from (I have had a blog previously and I do know the dangers...I wish more people did.) work stories involving specific people/companies/products for many reasons including confidentiality needs, relationship issues I have not yet discussed with my husband, any negative information about ANYONE in my life (be it at work, my friends, my family...) that I feel would hurt feelings or I wouldn't say/haven't already said to them directly. This does not include good natured jests that people are aware is  teasing. That's still fair game, as is inane things on TV and silly things I hear celebrities do in their lives.