Rights of Passage

I got to spend last weekend with my family, best weekend in a long time. Worst in a lot of ways too, but that isn't their fault, that's all my brain. There was a lot of people. A lot of people. Some that I was actually a little scared to see and one in particular I was really scared to see, but it turned out ok. I have the best mom ever. Ever. She's so supportive and she knows exactly what to say when I'm really struggling with interacting with people. Plus shes really funny when she drinks. (One drop! That's all it takes! Thank your Grandpa Marv for that knowledge! - Of course, the real funny thing is she does that anyway.) My brother is amazing too. He does the best impressions. (Ule, anyone? You know he's the life of the party!) It's incredible to see what amazing women my little baby cousins are growing into, they're beautiful and really considerate of each other when they think no one's watching. I always felt like I could never share my illness with people, like it was shameful. Society taught me that, my ex taught me that, and my most recent job tried to teach me that. But I got to talk about it this weekend. My mom talks about it. I don't know how much she shares, but that makes me more comfortable being who I am in front of the people I need most. Even though sometimes I feel like an outsider, it's easier to remember that's my brain trying to alienate me from the people I need the most when my family is willing to listen.

Graduation was last weekend, I spent it where I needed to be more than anywhere else in the world. At my cousin's high school graduation. There was a little pang of guilt when I realized I wouldn't have the graduation pictures, but that passes. My diploma will be mailed to me by the middle of summer and I have a cap and gown, I can take pictures then. Photoshop people in around me. ;) I got some pretty sweet presents. My aunts & uncles and grandma gave me money so I get the earrings I've been eyeing. My parents bought me a Kindle. Coolest present ever. I never thought I would like one, but its super awesome.

Now, as I return to reality there is paperwork to fill out about a job that gets more and more distant and heartless by the day. I talked to my boss twice today. It's weird, but the more I read dystopian young adult novels the easier it is for me to pick out the acid behind the smile. Not just with work, but everywhere. Some of that is training from my former coworkers, trying to learn when enough was enough. Not because they were ever cruel intentionally, and some of them never were anything but kind and understanding, even when I pushed the boundaries of acceptable like I accidentally do. But everyone has limits, and I spent a lot of time at my old job trying to figure out how to know what those were. It's not easy, and I would still rather just be me all the time with no filter at all, but I know now that there are people who are intentionally cruel. I can't just be me with no filter at all because those people capitalize on any weakness and exploit it at the first opportunity. I'm really susceptible to manipulation by media, and lately I've been grateful for that. The Hunger Games and Divergent have made me more cynical of humanity, which has allowed me an easier time of picking the snakes out of the crowd.

I'm still having panic attacks so bad that I feel like I'm dying of a heart attack, but it is what it is. I had seven beers last weekend. Three at my friends house, one the night I had so much fun with my mom, and three when we stayed at Terry's cousins. That's a lot for me to handle. Plus I've given in to the sugar and caffeine again. That has to stop. That's more dangerous than alcohol. Time to detox and prepare for the next big event, my best friend's wedding. It's really important to me that I'm there for her no matter what she needs, which means I must be coherent and that will only happen after a good old fashioned detox.

Starting over!

I've been reading a LOT about bipolar lately, though it's really been following severe mental illness in general (schizophrenia, paranoia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder...). I've joined the group Thrive with Bipolar Disorder on Facebook (Side note: it would be super nice if I could keep those comments from going to my friends newsfeeds. Not that I wouldn't share that much of myself anyway, but I feel like it can be off-putting for friends that aren't on that level of "there" yet with the illness...), I read blogs, and follow what books are coming out. I follow all kinds of information about mental illness; marriage, children, pregnancy, individual responsibility, legal proceedings, scientific breakthroughs...everything I can get my hands on. I've been keeping track of it in a strange way, as always, a combination of my memory, bookmarks on my computer, sharing with family and friends... Anyway, I feel that method isn't working anymore and now that I am 6 days away from my commencement ceremony and have no undergraduate work left my goal is to post all of that stuff on here to keep better track of it. Starting today! :)

I just read this article about the difficulty knowing the difference between pre-hypomania and exuberance. As always when I read anything I immediately apply it to my experience, and my life. This actually has been a life saver in my last few weeks of the semester since I've found Thrive on Facebook. I've been able to focus on things I do in relation to others questions. But I digress, returning to the article at hand I realized how lucky I am to have the family and friends that support me unconditionally and are able to be objective about my moods. I think the best part is they are objective in different ways, which lets me figure out who I am and how I feel about my moods.

In the last 4 years I have met and married the best husband on the face of the planet. Totally a biased opinion, but it's mine and this is my blog so that's what I'm sharing. Terry and I have worked together to create a "mood map" of sorts for my bipolar to help figure out when things need attention and when they don't. It's not perfect, and it will forever be a work in progress, but its allowed us lots of freedom in our relationship that I didn't experience when I was with the ex. That's been a really positive experience. Last weekend was really rough, Terry was at camp helping with cub scouts, and I was supposed to be studying. Instead, since there is so much happening in my life right now my brain went into overdrive and I didn't sleep at all. However, because of our "mood map" I knew that I was going to be ok. I could text & check in, there was no freaking out. I could vocalize that I'm stressed, scared, and too much is changing at once. He knew that before he left town so there was no worry about the huge impact my mood had on my Facebook updating. We came up with a plan together for how to handle it, I did some little things that mean a lot to me (haircut with shampoo, eyebrow wax, shopping), I spent time with my best friend who understands me better than I understand myself. We focused on conversation and each other and her beautiful baby.

In my experience pre-hypomania and exuberance can be the same thing. The end result depends immensely on how I treat the feelings when they happen. Because of the "mood map" and my exposure to people who love me and have been around for a long time, who have seen me develop through the bipolar, who have stood by me when I needed help the most, I can actually turn pre-hypomania into exuberance and prevent the whole thing in the first place. Currently I still have anxiety/panic bordering on heart attack all the time lately, I'm still losing feeling in my extremities and having trouble with circulation, but its stress. There's a lot of changes happening. My long term claim is under review again, I'm finishing a whole chapter of my academic career and preparing for something completely new and scary. Not only new and scary, but new and scary and with all new people. That's enough to make me have a panic attack all by itself. I just keep reminding myself how amazing everyone I encountered in my last bit of undergrad has been with my illness. It's been infinitely better than the way corporate America treated me. That makes the panic disappear a little. I'm still packing. I'll be living out of as many suitcases as I can fit in Terry's Ion come June 1st.

Terrifying...

Learning experiences.

This year has been so full of learning experiences. It seems to be coming out ok. I got into grad school! I was offered and accepted a teaching assistantship where I'll be teaching one or two gen chem sections of 24 undergrads. Honestly, I'm a little scared, but there's time to worry about that later. It doesn't start until next fall.

I'm currently working on my last semester as an undergrad, so excited to be graduating after 10 years! There's lots of chemistry information to learn for my inorganic class, lots of writing to do for my french lit, english, and ethics classes, photos to take for my photography class...my apartment is getting packed up very methodically and carefully. Things are getting taken to Goodwill, and thrown out to have less to move. The cats are starting to get worried. I'm helping my best friend plan her wedding for the beginning of June.

The school thing is the most time consuming right now, but I'm also transitioning from short term to long term disability. This has been a barrage of phone calls and its going to be a ton of paperwork for both me and my doctors. Every phone call has started with "when will you be able to return to work" and my responding "I could have returned in December, but they are unable to accommodate my restrictions". To which I've had to answer all kinds of questions about my hours and history at my job, tons of questions about the change in management and how I would have handled the whole situation differently if I knew then what I know now. The whole process is complicated and annoying because it could have been avoided by just letting me keep the hours I had for two years.

I'm actually kind of hoping the insurance company takes legal action against my company for the money they've lost over the last year. There have been a lot of judges siding with employees who have had issues with ADA violations. When I talked to the vocational counselor she asked if I had a lawyer. I do, but the disability proceedings went so smoothly I didn't need to use the lawyer. I'm not out for a huge settlement (though I'd be dumb to turn one down if it landed in my lap), I just want the accommodations that will allow me to do my job successfully. I told her that if there was a problem in the future I would not hesitate to use legal action. I also told her that in the future I hope to have my restrictions in writing before all of this happens so I can stay at work. I'm not disabled to the point where I can't work at all, I just need the freedom to do the work in a way that allows me to be successful.

Live and learn. I'm looking forward to many more stories of judges siding with the ADA laws rather than employers. It's necessary for people to know they have support legally as well as personally.

Updates of sorts...

It's for sure been a while. I've had things I wanted to write about (the MPAA for one, nothing makes me more angry than the ratings system in the US) but things just keep getting in the way. Instead I've decided to do what I do best and talk about myself. ;)

First things first, my crazy schedule...
School has been plugging along and I've been getting lost in trigonometry and French. My French class has finally come to an end. I gave my final speech yesterday on the regulations of food testing in Europe vs. food testing in America. Since no one really cares I focused mainly on the difference between the labels and the governing groups for the food testing. Really as long as I pass thats all I care about. An A or B would be AWESOME though. I really want to get into grad school and an A or B would make that a lot easier. Tomorrow I take my final math "quiz" during class. The teacher is allowing me to use my ipod to block out the distracting noises. No one sits in front of me so there should be no problems with seeing people. Either way I'm passing the class so that works for me. I'll just have to finish my homework tonight and make sure I know my rules. Work is going as work has always gone. I've decided not to worry too much about it, but I am for sure planning on working some hardcore overtime during the 4 weeks I'm off of school. There's always something to do so I just have to convince the bosses that doing the more menial tasks are worth paying me time and a half. Shouldn't be too hard. They for sure know that all of that stuff needs to be done.

Health updates!
 I have made several changes in my health plan in the last few months. In the beginning of the semester I was on a few meds for my bipolar/stomach issues/back pain. In the last month and a half I decided that I didn't want my health to be tied so closely with modern medicine. Some people find that strange that I am fascinated by modern medicine, chemistry and really just science in general but don't want to participate in it. Frankly, my main interest is in things like GMO foods and alternative medicine/nutrition. I don't believe in creating things for the sake of creating them. In the last 20 years or so there are so many new diseases just because pharmaceutical companies have created solutions for them. I believe in creating food that can withstand bug infestations, and extreme weather patterns with its natural genes that haven't been utilized properly. I believe in using exercise, massage, acupucnture, and a truly healthy diet to create a healthy body and a healthy environment. Why do we need all these opiates for low to mid grade pain? Why do we create addicts where we don't need to? It's not necessary. I went to the gym this morning and met with a trainer. He helped me find a bunch of exercises that work out my entire body (including my back that is bothering me) without straining my back to the point where I'm in pain. Today, after that workout, my back feels better than it has in over a month. Obviously I still have  to be careful, but I feel like specific exercises like that and maybe some sort of massage therapy would be way more helpful for me than any sort of opiate I could be given. Currently I am not taking any sort of supplement or drug for anything and I am hoping to keep it that way. I may change my mind and start taking a multivitamin again, or maybe a vitamin supplement depending on what is recommended by the dietitian I am seeing on Tuesday but I am really hoping to change my diet to the point where I won't need anything like that either.

We'll see what happens, but for now I am looking forward to the end of the semester and a continuation of me finding more natural and holistic answers to my health issues.

Semester one of a long haul

I am a very driven personality. I have big dreams and I am insistent on accomplishing those goals at any cost, monetarily, physically, mentally, romantically, anything is at risk for being shoved to the side to accomplish what I have decided is important at any given time in my life. I graduated with an associates degree in biotechnology in May of 2008 and I had decided very early on that this was not enough for me.

Skipping forward to the present day...since my last voyage into school I have a new relationship, in fact, I am married to the most amazing person I've ever met. I've also started really delving into my mental illness and figuring out the best way to balance that illness with having a "normal" life. (I do know that "normal" is a relative term, in my little world it means holding a steady job, maintaining a healthy relationship with friends and family, and taking care of myself by healthy eating and exercise.) This process has been a long and arduous one. I take medications daily for asthma, ulcers and bipolar and I resent every pill in my doctors arsenal. I have (like many people) an aversion to both exercise and healthy eating. I enjoy the feeling after a workout but my lazy nature makes me not want to push myself the way I should. I also enjoy the taste of foods that are good for me, but my desire for "convenience" leads me to eat fast food, fried foods and processed foods way more than I should. Forget trying to eat local and organic, I'm still fighting the urge to eat Taco John's and McDonald's every meal! The only things I really seem to be able to do right is maintain my marriage at a healthy and loving level and keep a steady job.

This fall, on top of the marriage, full-time job, and full-time mental illness I have decided that an associates degree is not where I want to be. As a result I am attending a 4 year institution of higher education to acquire multiple bachelor's degrees (French, Chemistry and Biology) to continue towards my goal of a master's degree in Nutritional Chemistry and being able to be the sole breadwinner for my future family. This blog is *hopefully* going to be my journey through life trying to balance all of the life goals I have decided to juggle. It will probably contain days where I'm not doing so well and why, days that are a little better, thoughts that I feel like sharing with the world about current events and life, as well as ways I relax and work on meeting my goals. Topics I am going to stay away from (I have had a blog previously and I do know the dangers...I wish more people did.) work stories involving specific people/companies/products for many reasons including confidentiality needs, relationship issues I have not yet discussed with my husband, any negative information about ANYONE in my life (be it at work, my friends, my family...) that I feel would hurt feelings or I wouldn't say/haven't already said to them directly. This does not include good natured jests that people are aware is  teasing. That's still fair game, as is inane things on TV and silly things I hear celebrities do in their lives.