Friday, June 8, 2012

Livewire Emotions (Reader Beware)

I try not to live blog episodes because I prefer not to put the wallowing, sniveling, horrendously selfish depressed me on the internet any more than I already have in my late teens & early twenties. I also don't like to share the anger I feel during mania. Because it always is irritable, cranky, and rude. Depressed or manic I'm not a nice person and I never want to subject anyone to that, let alone myself at a later date by reading what I wrote. That's a whole other trigger all on its own. I still get triggered by the ant I tried to kill my freshman year of high school. I couldn't bring myself to kill it with my finger, as I had so many times before and since, so I tried to kill it with the end of my hairbrush. Later that year I became so upset that I tried to shove that same hairbrush end through my forehead. Something I did a number of times when triggered before I got rid of that hairbrush. So, anyway, the point is I like a little distance between me and the emotions before I write. Tonight I don't have that luxury. I need to be coherent and present for the final day before my best friends wedding and deal with her family, who I view as an adopted family, and were the source of this particular trigger in the first place.

Firstly, I was asked to be her matron of honor.  I had a really  busy, awful semester because of the work issues I posted about previously where I was very overwhelmed anyway. She doesn't care. She knew that and chose me anyway.  Because she loves me and wants me to be here. I am really spending a lot of energy in my sleep deprived, angry, triggered state reminding myself of that so I don't run away. The first thing I did wrong was ask (at her request) her mother if she would like the honor of delegating the bridal shower. Again, busy. Overwhelmed already. My best friend loves me and is ok with that. That caused a whole mess of anger from her mother because as the mother she should have nothing to do with that. That was a trigger all by itself that hid in the sea of triggers I already had with school and work. I spent all of April bawling because I felt like she was going to regret choosing me as matron of honor because I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. I apologized and we talked and, again, she loves me and wants me here. She chose me for a reason. I stepped out mostly until last Thursday because on top of finishing my last semester of undergrad, applying for grad school, dealing with a job that chooses to not follow ADA laws, and MOVING TO ANOTHER STATE, I couldn't handle anything. Not even what was on my plate. Terry is amazing and dealt with so much bullshit, mostly with grace and love. I am so lucky to have him.

Last Thursday I moved into my friends spare bedroom for two weeks. My stuff was on a UHaul and sent off to Michigan with my husband and father-in-law and I was left with 5 or 6 bags and all my makeup & hair stuff. I'm still dealing with work stuff, which will be a whole other post, and on Wednesday the bride's mother (who I have been trying to be patient with) gave me no less than three lectures about how family is family and if someone isn't family they shouldn't be involved. Family is more important than anything, and my friend had moved away and lost track of what family is and what family means. Then there was a near cancellation, and a whole bunch of other mess from the bride's father's side because there isn't a marriage licence yet. There still isn't one. There is a 6 day wait in Wisconsin after the application and the groom had to send off for his birth certificate in California, that HIS MOTHER HAD THE WHOLE TIME. Then, when she gave it to him (at work) she freaked out because she was planning something she never told anyone about and feels like she's not included. The bride's father feels not included because of some other stuff, and everyone is doing things before we have a program, ceremony, or dresses done because those things aren't important apparently.

The real issue for me is all of this is happening around me and I'm trying to not be selfish, while everyone else says that I'm making this whole wedding about me. I'm trying my best to maintain composure when other people are around and help my BFF with what she needs help with, provide an ear when she needs to scream, watch her 10 month old when she needs to run errands. I can't do that at the point I'm at now. Her mother has shattered any sense of composure that I had with the "family is family" speeches. I already felt like I wasn't doing enough and letting everyone down back in April. Now I'm struggling to remind myself that I am here because my best friend loves me enough to make me her matron of honor and I cannot run out on that. So, for the last two nights my Seroquel hasn't done what it needs to do, and since I'm afraid of my Klonapin and the mood swings it causes, I sit awake in the guest room in the basement, alone, and cry. More than I've cried in a long time. Even more than in April when I cried through a whole meeting with my English teacher. Because this time my poor dendrites are overwhelmed with activity AND I feel unwelcome. I really do love my best friend's mother, but I wish she would think sometimes about how her insecurities affect those around her. I might be the selfish one, making this all about me, but I'm not the only one.

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